#religion

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It's always the same angel. It's covered in wings now and wants to die but can't

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

A Christian telling an atheist he is going to Hell is about as scary as a small child telling an adult they wont get any presents from Santa

Who the hell came up with 'prolly' for probably?

"The hell with friendship, our top priority has always been between our legs."

Me: Can't. I'm exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning. Him: It's pronounced 'croissant' & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

I'd attend church a lot more if, instead of a tiny cracker, the body of Christ was a tiny quesadilla.

If I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.

My kids saw a painting of Jesus & both thought it was Bob Marley. Clearly, I'm going to hell. My kids don't know what Bob Marley looks like

If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.

I'm still not sure how the church expects me to do all that kneeling and standing and praying on just that one little wafer they feed you.

Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don't want my own husband, so I sure as hell don't want yours.

Facebook is down, so don't say prayer doesn't work.

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven? If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

Turns out 6 foot penguins don't exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

7: "Mama, if someone licked the treadmill, would that someone get sick?" Me: "Are you the someone?" 7: "Maybe" Holy hell.

jesus could get on twitter and be like "fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!" and someone would be like "you're".

say a prayer for all the men who are forced to carry their girlfriends' purses

Wife: Am I grotesque? Me: No, angel cake! Wife: Why did you call me a cake? Me: Cake is round? *runs *

Because they need to bring young people to the church, insiders say the front runner for Pope is Seth MacFarlane.

the bible is an attempt to mansplain our existence

The Bible is Christianity's Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app

Shoulder Devil: So I say "Go on--do it!" And the moron does it! Shoulder Angel: What an idiot! Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

Him: Productive conference call? Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

TIN MAN: I want a heart COWARDLY LION: And I want courage ZOMBIE: Braaaaains ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell'd Ray go?