#religion

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

Recently found out I'm not the devil. I read the tag on my underpants incorrectly; it said "Satin". Oops.

Me:Thank you, he's so hot I don't even know what I want to do first...Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

My guardian angel deserves a raise

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

i hate to get political on here but like honestly smokin weed is frickin sweet as hell ha ha

[hell] Satan: Everybody get online & read stuff that makes you mad for eternity Guy next to me: Nooooo Me: I trained my whole life for this

just saw a church sign that says, "santa claus never died for anyone." and i'm like, "okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse."

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn't act the way he wanted.

"Was he better than me?" "Joe, don't." "I have a right to know!" "No, he wasn't better than you." [god appears] "Mary, what the hell?"

Lmao at people who 'play Devil's advocate' like Lucifer doesn't already own all the lawyers.

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

Apparently if someone has a seizure in the bathtub, its in bad taste to throw your laundry in .. yep. Going to hell right here.

[creation] GOD: Let's name some of you bugs FLY: Me first! GOD: Okay...Fly FLY: Hell yeah! BUTTERFLY: Now me! GOD: Hmm...Butterfly FLY: Sonuvab-

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.

[inventing flies] GOD: make them eat shit ANGEL: got it GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

[1st day in hell] Devil: Your damnation will be that you are a shoe model for all eternity. Me: That's it? D: *hands me orange Crocs*

If all foods were packaged like honey they'd all come in these miniature fake human containers which would be weird as hell

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.

the human body is about 70% water but there is not one fish chillin inside of us smh dam humans wack as hell

*sees cars lined up outside church* wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding? me: What's the difference?

My son just paced back and forth dictating his letter to Santa like a high-powered CEO. Forget Prada, the Devil wears Ironman pyjamas.

[Founding Fathers] -But how do we get court witnesses 2 tell the truth? -They swear on a bible? -Thats stupid -Hey lunch's here -Done[gavel]

you call it the Irish Goodbye, I call it the I Never Wanted To Be Here In The First Place See You In Hell

A family of ducks walks into a church. "Hi, yes, umm...I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?" The father asks timidly.