#religion

Trump bragged about Apprentice ratings at National Prayer Breakfast, just like when Jesus boasted about his huge Sermon on the Mount crowds.

"Ameh." ~ Atheists at the end of a prayer

I feel bad for spiders. I tripon my two feet all the time. Can only imagine the hell a clumsy spider goes through.

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they'll erase what they did during the week.

Me: Goodnight Moon. Moon: Don't "Goodnight" me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

Church: Follow Jesus. Me: Does he follow back? Church: .. Me: .. Church: .. Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

Do I feel like crying? HELL YES LET'S DO THIS 'THE FAULT IN OUR STARS'

Genesis is my favorite rock group who've been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

There's a giant exploding ball of fire in sky every day, and we're just supposed to be cool with it? Hell no, I'm not into that at all.

I bet Bram Stoker is sitting on some cloud, flipping through the Twilight books with a raised eyebrow, wondering what the hell happened.

ME: in closing, all of the facts I've presented today prove that Bush did 911 PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

My Sister is naming her baby Nevaeh because it's Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she's going to end up being. Tulsa.

[at wife's funeral] Son: At least shes in heaven now Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don't know shit about your mom

I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don't even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee

JESUS: everyone loves me GABRIEL: wat about judas GOD: o snap JESUS: dad GOD: u've just been... JESUS: dont do this GOD: TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL

Wife: he's always confusing sayings... Therapist: what if you're just misinterpreting him? Me: oooh, check you out playing devil's avocado

JONATHAN EDWARDS: God abhors a sinner and holds him over the flames of hell like some loathsome insect LOATHSOME INSECT: Wow I'm right here

My mom and her church biddies have morphed Facebook's "People you may know" to "People who likely cleaned your face with spit on a hanky."

Being bummed that you finished your sandwich only to remember that you haven't even taken a bite of it yet must be what Heaven is.

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning's church service.

If I died and went directly to hell it would take me a month to realize I wasn't at work.

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can't even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

Jesus: Behold my powers. *walks onto water and falls in* [back in heaven] God: HAHAHAHAHA Angel: HAHAHAHA "behold my powers" God: HAHAHAHA