#religion

Me: bless me father for I have sinned. Priest: how long since your last confession my son? Me: about 45 minutes ago...

And then the devil said, "tell her to calm down."

Fencing proves that with enough rules even a sword fight can be boring as hell.

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven* "YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON'T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES"

Talking on your cell during church isn't good, but if you use blue tooth hands free they just think you've got the spirit.

I invited Jim for dinner "Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?" [Loud thud on the roof] *sigh* "I'll get the ladders"

The only food in Hell is the part of the popcorn kernel that gets stuck between your teeth. Also they have an Olive Garden.

Watching Mickey's Clubhouse with my 4yo and even he's asking why the hell would a duck like Donald need a life jacket.

In hell all the ball pits are filled with legos.

Hell has free wifi but no outlets for phone chargers.

Hell hath no fury like a white woman emailing Target after a bad shopping experience.

Hell is nothing but a bunch of moms asking for help with their laptops.

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

Him: Come check out my church! Me: Him: They play rock music! Me: Him: It's cool! Me: Does it have church in it? Him: Yes... Me: *click*

[creating animals] God- I want an animal with 2 humps Angel- And a cute face? G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans A- LOL G- LOL

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

Apple: Words with Friends Twitter: Words w strangers FB: Words w relatives Ouija: Words w dead friends Prayer: Words w imaginary friends

[Exorcism] Priest: What is your name? Demon: Jim Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim? Demon: Nice legs Carol Wife: Let's keep him. Next...

I'm trying to do unto others as I would have done to me, but they're all "stop thrusting at me, this is a church service; please sit down"

I emailed my ex-girlfriend "Are you still alive" and she emailed back "No" which made me sad but also excited that they have email in hell.

If heaven is real the only question i have for god is how many times was my chinese food a cat

There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption "1st Easter!" Hell no, there have been like 2000, we're not starting over just for him

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You're not married in heaven. Me: Why not? Wife: Then we'd be in hell.