#religion

How's school, Hannah? "Really tough, dad." They're calling you Hannah Banana, aren't they? "No-" WHY THE HELL NOT

"I have to take a shit, play Stairway To Heaven." - Radio DJ's

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don't say a word. Momma's gonna buy you a mocking bird Mom: like hell I'll buy that kid anything..

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

OCTOPUS: *places tentacle on Bible* JUDGE: Do u swear to tell the truth? O: Yes BAILIFF: *spends like 8 minutes trying to get Bible unstuck*

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

I want to open a pizza shop called "Cheesus Crust!" Our slogan will be: "Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell." -or- "Crust has risen."

I'm beginning to think that Judas Priest might not be a Christian rock band.

If God wanted you in church all morning, why did he invent fun?

If you think marijuana doesn't kill you've obviously never read the bible. People getting stoned to death left and right.

[chiropractor] Dr., your client Tony is here -Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap Yes -Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

GOD: Eyelashes ANGEL: What do they do? GOD: Protect eyes ANGEL: And? GOD: Get into people's eyes. It's extremely painful. ANGEL: Are you ok?

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want. Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? Him: Fishing

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell...

I went to confession and the priest said, "pics or it didn't happen."

Ghostbusters is my favorite movie where Bill Murray yells at a giant marshmallow man for stepping on a church.

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine] Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass. Ma'am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

A double entendre is when I don't know what the hell you're saying. Twice.

"To hell with it, thats good enough." - every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

Always live on the bottom floor it's further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn't even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

God to now go through your old tweets before making final decision on heaven.

Exactly how many good deeds do you have to commit to get into Heaven? I'm talking bare minimum here.

[Jesus plays hide-n-seek] Jesus: [exiting cave] Ah, ya found me! Let's play again. Harder this time. Find me now. [He ascends to Heaven]