Using my toes to pick something up makes it hard to go to church on Sunday.

Cop: Know why I stopped you? The dead guy in my trunk? Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift's over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

It doesn't matter if I go to church or the gym as long as I can act superior later, right?

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she's coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco