#religion

[sees old lady drop $20] Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash! Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

Some schools are banning Santa so they don't offend non-Christian students. That sucks, because Santa is my favorite part of the Bible.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I'm like who the hell is acting geez.

Anytime a person with a journalism degree writes a story about a celebrity getting bangs, Walter Cronkite punches an angel.

in Heaven you get back all the chapsticks you lost

As new head of Westboro Baptist Church, I'm expanding who God hates. To start: delivery guys, vegetarians, and people who do Sudoku.

Alright white people, had to Google "totes" to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a "constellation prize" at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

The Westboro Baptist Church is planning on picketing Fred Phelps funeral. I'm not sure they even know what they're doing anymore, you guys.

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let's go steal all their shit!

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah's wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

[wedding] Priest: repeat after me Groom: after me P: ... [to bride] is he serious Bride: no his name is gary

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband* Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

When a Jehovah Witness dies, Heaven turns off all the lights and pretends no one is home.

When my Dad passes, I will get a tattoo of him looking down at me from Heaven, disapproving of me getting a tattoo to commemorate him.

"I invented the cubicle." - Someone hopefully in Hell

*sits down in a classy as hell bar* "barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn..." *lowers shades* "$200 every 4 months"

[ants at a Def Leppard concert] *Pour Some Sugar on Me starts* Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

People who do not use the grocery store divider bar can rot in hell.

If all my Facebook friends followed me on twitter, I'd be dragged to church for an exorcism.

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you... GOD: [creates dog] ANGEL: ...and for how they actually do GOD: [creates cat]

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your "scary" battle at Normandy, grandpa.

Haven't heard from my boyfriend in 3 days. Trying to start a prayer chain. He blocked me after I set up a wedding website so please RT.