#religion

Sneezed. Nobody blessed me. Going to hell.

4-year-old: What happens when you die? Me: You go to heaven. 4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage. King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

Turtles think tortoises are pretentious as hell.

[Biblical Times] God: oh shit Angel: what? God: I just realized I've been leaning on the frog button.

the kidz bop version of gangnam style plays 24hrs a day in hell. do you accept jesus christ as your lord and saviour?

Biotechnologists should invent a totally transparent groundhog. It'd look creepy as hell, but spring would come early forever.

I'm the dog whisperer. I'll whisper the word "dog" 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

*In church 9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing... Me: [Whispers] So we don't fall asleep 9: oh

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him. That's right, the Devil made me duet.

Airport Security: has anyone put anything in your luggage without your knowledge, sir? Sir: How the hell am I supposed to answer that?

Gonna buy an old beat up car for the sole purpose of rear ending the hell outta people I let over and don't get the thank you wave.

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer's parents? Do they know she's riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

*Crime Scene Cop: (cuffs the dog) Detective: what the hell are you doing? Cop: Sir, I think we're dealing with a shapeshifter

excuse me, waitress? "I'm not a waitress" Oh, what are you then "Well, I'm a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?"

If you make fun of Rod Blagojavich's hair, there'll be hell toupee.

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

The greatest trick the devil ever played is emailing you & then sending an "out of office" notification when you reply like 30 seconds later

OH GOD! BOB IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK! QUICK SOMEONE CALL A TEMP AGENCY. I'M SURE AS HELL NOT DOING ALL HIS WORK.

I did a survey and asked 5 women what kind of clothing brand they preferred. The 5 responded: "How the hell did you get into my house?"

"Its odd how the Church just lets pedophile's grant forgiveness" Anyway...thats why I'm not allowed in Confession anymore.

If Thomas Jefferson was alive today people would scream "What the hell? You're almost 300 years old!"

ME: I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. GUY: I love that song. ME: What song?

[inventing humans] god: "they should have complete control of their tongue" angel: "um ok" god: "let me finish.. except when using scissors"

[me] if all dogs go to heaven, then what about Cujo? [the pope] how did you get into my bathroom?