#religion

"No! Don't go into the church! Nooo!" "Honey, what movie are you watching?" "Our wedding video."

[spelling bee] JUDGE: your word is "bananas" GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

In hell, your coworker never finishes opening a wrapper.

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

The coolest part of the bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

In Hell, all of your Google searches post directly to your social media accounts.

I can't think of many people who deserve to go to hell, but people who teach its existence to vulnerable children are prime candidates.

The hell with a Klondike Bar, ask me what I'd do for a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

"Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops". Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain't taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain't taught in church.

[stubs toe] "GOD DAMMIT" God: No problem, bro. [toe goes to Hell]

[God is taking a nap] Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

If you're a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven't been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney...then why the hell are you Mormon?

*Watching YouTube videos* Boss: What are you watching? Me: .... Boss: ... Me: Church? Boss: That's a dog on a unicycle. Me: Praise The Lord!

*sticks hand into jean pocket* Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket? *checks other pocket and finds nuggets* Oh, ok.

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me Me: Really? Looks to me you should've been eating a hell of a lot more

1. Take dozens of pictures of yourself sleeping. 2. Put them in coworker's drawer. 3. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!"

Scientists discover that Jupiter's moon, Europa, may be suitable for human habitation. When asked to comment Jupiter stated, "Oh, hell no."

HADES: Unleash the hell hound! CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it's a good time for us. HADES: Is it a-- CERBERUS: No.

My 4-year-old sang in church for the first time. So what if it was the wrong song? There's never a bad time for "We Will Rock You."

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned PRIEST: nothing that can't be forgiven my son ME: I microwave my pop tarts PRIEST: u sick son of a

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn't had proper cooling time.

Hungry? The hell with a snickers. Look to her cleavage, you'll find at least two snacks there and maybe some stray popcorn.

Sometimes I'll purposely spill gravy on my pants to give me an excuse to leave early. The real trick is sneaking the gravy into church.

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels HER: Shouldn't it be - HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA