#religion

[heaven] IAN: I only regret the things I didn't do ME: Me too I: Like, I didn't swim with dolphins. You? M: I didn't stop poking a bear

My 3yr old pooped her big girl panties at church today and I forgot the wipes, in case you were feeling bad about being single today.

(1st day in heaven) Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

Since yesterday was the National Day of Prayer, today must be the National Day of Disappointment.

"What should we put in the middle of this mall?" How bout some chairs? "That idea sucks" A little pond to throw money in? "Oh hell yeah"

[God creating the raccoon] God: make it cute with a lil mask Angel: haha aw okay God: also make it eat trash

Satan: "Waaazzz up?" God: "Speak of the Devil." Satan: "Really?" God: "Sorry, figure of speech." Satan: "Jesus Christ." Jesus: "What?"

I've said it before and I'll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer.

[at heaven's gate] God: Tell me why I should let u in Me: I've never made anyone look at my baby's ultrasound pic God: You can have my bed

Sinbad isn't just a comedian's name - it's also an extremely short summary of The Bible

I'm an atheist but if lightning struck Trump during his victory speech I'd become a monk.

[takes a nap] ok i like the concept [sleeps for a long time] alright alright im diggin it [dies] oh hell yea baby that's the stuff

I went to church today just to thank God I'm not Miley Cyrus.

I'm a firm believer in the separation of church and hate.

baby moses: [crying] mum: "why wont he stop" dad: "throw him in the river lol" mum: "okay" this is from a book called the bible

Sup, ducks? Lookin' straight nuclear with your orange ass bills & your furry yellow torsos. All aquatic & shit. Lazy as hell, too. One love.

[bar] HER: wanna get outta here? *winks* ME: hell ya HER: whatya thinkin? ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle HER: what? ME: u scared?

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women's rights expect to move forward if they're not even allowed to move diagonally?

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

Interviewer: How do you hit those high notes? Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil. Interviewer: Excuse me? Adam Levine: Practice.

(Selling my soul) Just sign here and here "I should have a lawyer read this" *a million lawyers crawl through hell* We have plenty of those

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

*leaves church* *sees McChicken video* *goes back to church*

Our father who art in heaven what does that mean like painting or something