#religion

If you're religious you dont get to pick & choose "You shall not make for yourself an idol" That Disney sticker means you're going to hell

the devil has a tape recorder containing the sounds you made when you sang aloud with a group but didn't actually know the words

just mowed the backyard [idiot mocking voice] "but deg what will u do this weekend?" hell, the way it grows i'll be able to mow sunday idiot

If Noah was not holding ' Control ' while selecting the animals that were to enter the ark, then the Bible is a lie to me.

The greatest plot twist of all time is in the Bible where, halfway through, God suddenly turns out to be nice.

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

Goose bumps are God's way of letting you know a devil ginger baby was just born.

I bet when you go to hell they make you wear your hair like you did in 5th grade

Hell yeah I'm a catholic i've been addicted to cats my whole life

MUST HAVE BEFORE WATCHING THE CONJURING : - Bible - iBible iPhone app - Holy Water - Priest - Jesus - 5 Jesus necklaces - Holy Spirt

I will never go bungee jumping. A rubber breaking was the reason I was born, it sure as hell isn't going to be the reason that I die.

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

"Where do people already feel awkward & uncomfortable?" "Church?" "K let's make 'em like that" -- funeral home designers

Leia: I love you. Han: I know. [gets frozen in carbonite] [two years pass] [gets unfrozen] Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN "I KNOW?!"

"The Bible" running on the History Channel is like "Dragons" running on Animal Planet.

Sorry for the absence, my tweeties. My hubs and kids cooked their own dinner, and I've been unfreezing hell with a blowtorch ever since.

[1st day in heaven] God: Welcome! Have a taco and a shot of tequila. Do you like music? Me: Yeah. G: How about a little, *giggles* Nirvana?

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn't quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

Grandma found out I'm single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the 'have you thought about being a priest' talk again

Saying a prayer for all the turkeys tomorrow. Also the single people with concerned relatives.

*gets to hell* [In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

If you smoke while you're pregnant your baby comes out wearing a t-shirt and jeans looking cool as hell.

Wife's been out of town 96 hrs now & everything's gone to hell. We're all wearing patio furniture tarps & worshiping a boar head on a stick.

When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from 'balancing on edge of bed' to 'snow angel'

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part? ME: Well, now you made it weird.