#religion

The greatest trick the Devil ever played is where he touches my chest and says "What's that?" and I look down and he flicks my nose.

Incidentally, the WORST trick the Devil ever pulled was trying to convince the world he wasn't fat by wearing a t-shirt in the pool.

Stressed? Try this: Picture a lake at dawn. Ducks beginning to stir... Then drink 22 beers & drive your car into a church.

If you play Stairway to Heaven backwards does it become Highway to Hell?

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

*job interview* so tell me a fun fact about yourself Guy: well when I was 5 I fell into the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla exh- get the hell out

The new Exorcist movie plot: Family hires the devil to get a priest out of her son!

so you teens like "selfies" huh? well if you picked up a bible now and then you would know god did selfies when he created us in his image

*slips a 20* How about a private dance "Okay let's go" *heads to private room* "You ready?" Oh hell yeah *we both do the cha cha slide*

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn't 100% effective, Mary.

[Confessional Booth] Me: I can't do anything right. Priest: Please get off of my lap.

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend's body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

"Dad why'd u name me this?" I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live "Oh ok" Now let's go, Air Bud, we're gonna be late for church

Tapioca pudding. Con: insane amount of carbs and sugars. Pro: tastes like you're going down on an angel.

Sorry man I cant come over. Im busy playing nunchucks "Dont you mean playing WITH nunchucks?" No? *tosses another nun off the overpass*

You'll never hear the phrase "It's time to separate the men from the boys" in a Catholic church.

kicked out of church. I yelled "YEAH WE "HAVE A MARIA", SHE'S MY AUNT, WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING IT WEIRD". mustve gotten too close 2 the truth

Leonard Cohen is jamming in heaven with Prince now. Really awkwardly. It's not going well. Their musical styles aren't compatible

Someone left a flyer on my windshield asking me to envision heaven, so I pictured a world where no one leaves flyers on my windshield.

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water] DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

Flew out of top hat. Flew out of limousine. Flew out of church. -Dove Resume

[in heaven after crucifixion] jesus: "they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there" god: [rubbing his neck] "see the thing is"

Hot tip: Apparently it's frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

I think church and state separated because church is a gold digging slut.

Whenever anyone quotes the Bible to me I quote Harry Potter to them because I too love a good magical fiction book.