#religion

Go into the confessional today and see how long it takes the priest to realize you're describing Batman's life.

[being robbed] Me: careful.. I'm ARMED *whips out bible Robber: lol *pulls gun out of bible R: oh *pulls smaller bible out of gun

angel of God: mary u shall give birth to the son of God himself & he shall be named Jesus & shall die on a cross mary: i have a boyfriend

People who call the Bible a fairy tale forget that in fairy tales everyone lives happily ever after.

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone's calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you're like, "What the hell have I done?"

"the name's bond. james bond. james bond jovi." coming this summer, YOU ONLY LIVE ON A PRAYER TWICE. rated PG for piece of garbage

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon? [WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that's rad as hell

"Hey look, there's a deer frolicking in the woods over there!" Deer: What the hell did you say I was doing?

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life] *extended period of silence* "What the hell am I supposed to do with this..."

[god designing humans] Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting. What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?

[Catholic church] *priest hands out "What To Expect At Your Exorcism" Husband: Babe, this isn't counseling Me: You said you'd try anything

My wife thinks I'm too impulsive. How the hell would she know? We only met last week!

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist* "Dad are you coming too?" Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

unstable person: "when there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth" stable person: "i look after the horses"

Everything is "Our Lady" this & "Mother Mary" that. You'd think church people would enjoy Your Mom jokes a lot more.

CREATION OF MAN God: And as they age, they shall lose all the hair on their heads and grow more in their ears & noses Angel: Yes, my Liege

What happens when you plant a sesame seed? Does a sesame grow? What is a sesame? Where my botanists at? Where the hell am I?

Boss: go to hell Me: so stay? or leave? I'm confused

Was kind of surprised at all the swearing when I unplugged the church organ to charge my phone.

"911, what's your emerg-" "The women at work have synced their uteri and it's Hell" "Sir uteri is not plural for ute-" "TAMPI EVERYWHERE"

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you're continuing to send tweets.

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic