#religion

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Birds that land and then WALK across the street... what the hell is wrong with you?

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain] "Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes" Him: "Who the hell are you and should I be scared?"

GOD: let's make an armored raccoon that turns into a bowling ball ANGEL: but why wou- GOD: and we'll call it an armadillo for some reason

everyday im faced w/ a choice b/w good & evil. i try to be good but why woud i ever choose MIRACLE whip when i can hav a HELL MANS MAYONAISE

Hell yes, I'll be at the stores at 4 am. I'm not going to buy anything, I just like punching people.

That awkward moment when the Priest uses YOUR confession as the theme for his sermon. Again.

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they're so short.

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people's hands you've shook that didn't wash them after they used the bathroom.

The worst part of going to church with my family is when we get caught on the Kiss Cam.

[Creation] God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place! Angel: Maybe they'll evolve? G: *throws a rock* A: Sick shot! G: Next time, apes

I just woke up and scared the hell out of this mortician.

[Heaven] Me: What happened? God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus. Me: I only have one ques- God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

(Creating Atheists) God: Make some humans Sciencey Angel: Will they believe in you? God: No, but they'll be so surprised when we meet!

ME: Sorry boss, I can't make it in today. Because of Ebola. BOSS: You have Ebola? ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

[christmas lights are being put up] Every moth ever: oh hell yeah

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church? "No thanks." Don't judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects... "WHERE DO I SIGN UP?"

[creating man] GOD: They need air to live ANGEL: Done G: And food A: Ok G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes A: wtf?

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don't drink, I'm not that shallow. You have a driver's license, right??

What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? I never even got a Straining Order? I'm gonna go over to her house and sort this out.

Going to church doesn't necessarily make you a nice person... It does, however, make you sleepy.

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus' party than RSVP'd but he still had enough cake for everyone

I bet that TV in hell consists only of Progressive and sad animal commercials.

I'd say go to hell, but I don't want to see you again.