#religion

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replied, "I know. I saw your tweet!"

Coworker: My husband's an angel. Me: You're lucky.. mine's still alive.

We're choosing the paleontology exhibit over church because Jesus died for our sins but dinosaurs died for our Hummer.

I'm telling you to go to hell because I'm poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

[hell] Me: Why am I here? Devil: You told people you'd say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times. Me: OK that's fair.

Retweet this and you'll go to heaven. Yes, the standards are now that low.

*sees a cat yawning* How the hell can you be tired?

They opened the tomb and were all, "Where'd he go?" and the angel said, "He's at IHOP for never-ending pancakes" and they were like, "Word."

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out me: i wont [shakes priest's hand after lovely wedding ceremony] me: so are you god's boyfriend?

[The Bachelor] Some of you will be getting roses tonight... [bee in the back] AW HELL YEAH

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you're all horrible sinners and you're going to hell.

where do babies come from?? where the hell are they GOING is what i wanna know, folks!

Who the hell decided "have a happy period" was an okay thing to write on maxi pads? "NOT WORTH THE JAIL TIME" would have been more relevant.

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

I love how we vote for sheriff. How the hell should I know? "Let me talk to a few criminals and see who they think is scariest."

"Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?" Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like "sure what the hell" and grabbed a couple pieces

[cemetery] *priest says a final prayer* *harambe's casket is lowered into the ground* *toddler falls in*

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day...

Mom said angels are watching over me I'm just afraid they're taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

I swear to holy hell, Aunt Pat, I would rather lick a midget's taint than accept your invitation to play Lucky Slots.

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

Teen girl in mirror "I look like death!" [Meanwhile in Hell] Death scoffs & flips his hair "Yeah, as if"

"Did it hurt...when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?"--bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person