#lexus

If you didn't have a Lexus waiting under the tree for your lady, you're a piece of shit who doesn't know what love is.

*Lexus dealership* Sales person: if you buy a new Lexus we will make the first months payment Me: so who makes the other 59 payments?

Can you guys believe it's already Lexus December To Remember Sales Event time again?

I'd like to put a big red bow on the coffin of the guy who came up with those Lexus ads.

Christmas breakup: play Lexus commercial theme, when they run outside have all their crap packed for them on your driveway, lock the door.

Dear guy who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces: Your car got paint on my keys.

An Attorney had just purchased and parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office... An Attorney had just purchased and parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the lawyer's driver-side door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions…

A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After an excellent, but healthy, lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room. They found a strange looking woman sitting at the entrance who said: ""Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature. It's a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, awards you with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void o…

Who's that woman with Jim? A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big french kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, ""Who the hell was that?"" ""Oh,"" replies the husband, ""she's my mistress."" ""Well, that's the last straw,"" says the wife. ""I've had enough. I want a divorce!"" I can understand that,"" replies her husband, ""b…

A blonde teenager wanting to earn some extra money... A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a ""handy-woman"" She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. ""Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,"" he said, ""How much will you charge me?"" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, ""How about $50?"" The man a…

A guy's phone rings in the gym A guy is pushing through his usual workout routine in the gym when the phone goes off. ""Hello?"" >""Hi honey! I just saw that dress I wanted -- it's on sale for only $2,000! We can save almost 900 dollars! Can we get it, pleeeease?"" ""Sure honey, anything you want."" >""Oh my god, really? Thank you!!!! And the man at the Lexus dealership called and says he can give it to us for $90,000. What should I tell him?"" ""Sure honey, sounds good. Make sure everythi…

A Generous Rich Man Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stopped to listen. MAN: ""Hello!"" WOMAN: ""Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"" MAN: ""Yes."" WOMAN: ""I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"" MAN: ""Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."" WOMAN: ""I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new …

paint my porch A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a ""handy-woman"" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. ""Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,"" he said. ""How much would you charge me?"" The blonde quickly responded, ""How about $50?"" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in…

The Pink Ping Pong Ball A father asks his son what he would like for his fourth birthday. ""A pink ping pong ball!"" the kid says. ""What.. Why would you want a pink ping pong ball?"" asks the father. ""I'll get you something even better."" So the dad goes out and buys the kid a huge set of Hot Wheels instead. Fast forward a year. ""What would you like for your fifth birthday, son?"" and the kid responds ""A pink ping pong ball!"" The father says ""You're still on that..? I'll get you a real gif…

Funny but old fake adopt an Enron Exec email from way back. Remember that whole Enron Scandal? I was looking through some old computer back up disks and found this. Probably wont be funny to younger kids but some old farts like me might get a chuckle: **Adopt an Enron Executive** Dear kind-hearted friends...Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your heart to help those in need. Enron executives in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level. …

Names of Groups A group of crows is called a 'Murder' of crows. A group of cats is called a 'Glaring' of cats. What do you call a group of Lexus cars? A fortune!

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, ""Good day, Madame. How ma…

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, ""Who the hell was that?"" ""Oh,"" replies the husband, ""she's my mistress."" ""Well, that's the last straw,"" says the wife. ""I've had enough, I want a divorce!"" ""I can understand that,"" replies her husband, ""but remember, if we …

A man and a couple of his friends had just finished a round of golf at the country club and they were changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The man picked it up and answered it. ""Hi honey"" said the woman on the other end. ""Hi honey"" replied the man. ""I was just calling to tell you about this fur coat I found today. It's beautiful fox fur and I just love the way it looks on me. It's on sale too a real bargain. It's down to $2000 from $4000. Can I get it?"" The man thou…

Mom's birthday gifts 3 guys, who were brothers, were all discussing what gifts they were getting for their elderly mother for her birthday. The first brother, named Michael, said, "I bought mom her very own Lexus and chauffeur. She was always complaining about not being able to drive well." Jeremy, the second brother, said,"Well I bought mom a penthouse apartment. She always complains about the house she lives in." Lucas, the third brother, said, "Since mom always complains about not being …

A cell phone rings in a full mens locker room, the man answers the phone He puts it on speaker. Man: "Hello!" Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" Man: "Yes." Woman: "I'm at the mall and i just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it? Man: "Sure!" Woman: "Oh, and i just stopped by at the Lexus dealership and saw one i really liked, can i have it? Man "How much is it?" Woman: "$90,000." Man: "Well if it's that much i want it with all the features.…

The locker room of a Golf Club Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stopped to listen. * MAN: "Hello" * WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" * MAN: "Yes." * WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?" * MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." * WOMAN: "I also stoppe…

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everyt…

A guy's phone rings in the gym A guy is pushing through his usual workout routine in the gym when the phone goes off. "Hello?" >"Hi honey! I just saw that dress I wanted -- it's on sale for only $2,000! We can save almost 900 dollars! Can we get it, pleeeease?" "Sure honey, anything you want." >"Oh my god, really? Thank you!!!! And the man at the Lexus dealership called and says he can give it to us for $90,000. What should I tell him?" "Sure honey, sounds good. Make sure everything is inc…

A man in the locker room of an upscale gym in NYC answers a cell phone and puts it on speaker while he dresses. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening speci…