#toms

Is my doctor a magician? Tom went to the doctors office for a physical check at the big age of 35. The normal routine check went fine and what he was most nervous for happened. "" Drop you pants and bend over"" he says, "" Don' worry it will be quick and painless"". He continues to put his gloves on and lubes them up really good. As he continues to do his job he says "" Do you feel anything, does it hurt"", It sounded awkward but hey lets tell him thought Tom. "" It hurts a bit"" he replied. The…

Chilli Testing!!! If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge 3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springf…

Chili in Texas Note: Please take time to read this slowly. Read it all. Do not skip any sections. Do not skip ahead. Pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. Note: For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off around Halloween. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. CHILI, TEXAS STYLE !!! Note from Frank: ""Recently, while visiting Texas (I'm from Springfie…

Clinton consults the past Hillary went for a walk one morning and came upon the Washington monument. She asked, ""George, what should I do?"" After a few seconds a ghostly voice replied, ""Abolish the IRS and start over."" She thought about this for a few seconds and continued her walk. Shortly afterwards she stepped up to the Jefferson Memorial and stopped to ask ""Tom, what should I do?"" After a few seconds Tom's disembodied voice replied, ""Abolish welfare and start over."" She thought about…

When I eat... Tom walked into a Bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bar man, ""Please give me half chicken tandoori and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, bcoz when I eat, I want everyone to eat!"" Bar man processed his request and gave him his meal and everyone else their meals. When they finished enjoying their meal he shouted for another order, ""Give me a bottle of Champagne and give everybody else a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, bcoz when I drink, I want everybody t…

Artie wants to join the Mafia So Artie goes to the Mafia and asks if he can join. Big Joe, Head Mafia, replies with,""You must kill a man with a sniper with no hesitations."" Artie takes a big gulp and says, ""I'm on it sir."" He comes back to Big Joe and has proof that he completed his mission. ""Good job Artie! Now you must kill a woman any way you want without any hesitations."" Artie takes a big gulp and says,""I'm on it sir."" Artie comes back with proof that he killed a woman. ""Good job A…

Tom got married Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. ""Honey, I've been thinking. Now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage. You should probably just consider selling all your cars."" Tom gets this horrified look on his …

Debate Notes Tom and Mark were catching up with each other after Mark had attended a conference far away. They were talking about the conference when Tom suddenly said, ""Mark I forgot to tell you, we had a debate meeting and you missed it!"". Mark was surprised, and he said, ""Could you send me the notes for the session?"". Tom agreed, and then Mark had to go home. Later that day, Mark opened his email when he saw Tom's email. It said, ""Deez notes? Hah, you goteem!""

Texas Chili Cook-off! Texas Chili Cook-Off If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween co…

So Tom recently finished remodeling his home. It was perfectly done in every detail, and the owner was fantastically pleased. There was Italian marble in the kitchen, Persian carpets in the living room that matched the mahogany bookshelves, and even a concert grand piano hand made in Germany. To celebrate the completion of the project, he decided to throw an extravagant party with all his friends. There was food and drink in endless supply and excellent music and conversation all night. As large…

Ed and Tom's Butcher Shop There were once two brothers, Ed and Tom. They owned a butcher shop together, with Tom in the front on the register and Ed in the back chopping meat. One fine day, Ed is chopping meat in the back when he chops his finger right off. Ed screams: ""AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH"" And Tom comes running in. Now Tom, he's a real stand up guy, A real quick thinker, so he wraps up the finger in a plastic bag, takes it to the doctor, and the doctor sews it back on. Abou…

Do you have a Category for LONGEST Joke? (ok maybe it's not a ""joke"", but it sure is funny) If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a majo…

A hair spray trick One day young tom asked his grandpa for $20 dollars, his grandpa handed him an apple and a worm and told him ""if you want those 20 put the worm inside that tiny hole in apple"" tom accepted the challange and after 5 minutes the worm was inside the apple. his grandpa amused asked how he had done it to which Tom replaid ""I used some hair spray"" his grandpa then handed him the 20 and left. the next day tom's grandpa gives him another 20 when tom tells him that he already gave …

Display of courage in House of Leaves. From ""Tom's Story"", *House of Leaves*: I call this ""A Little Bedtime Story For Tom."" A long time ago, there was this captain and he was out sailing the high seas when one of his crew spotted a pirate ship on the horizon. Right before the battle began, the captain cried out, ""Bring me my red shirt!"" It was a long fight but in the end the captain and his crew were victorious. The next day three pirate ships appeared. Once again the captain cried out, ""…

A cheerio named Tom Alright this is a story about a cheerio named Tom. Tom was a good guy just your average run of the mill cheerio. He awoke one morning feeling pretty good about himself, he was gonna have a good day. He drank some milk and headed off to work. About half way to work he noticed a girl standing at the bus stop. His crumbs fell when he saw her. I mean, she was one smoking hot cheerio. She had one grade A circle and a set of double O's. Tom decided to grow some balls. ""Hey in Tom,…

The man who knew everyone There once was a man named Tom and one day he was bragging to his coworkers that he knew everyone who was anyone and everyone knew him. After a couple of weeks of hearing this, Tom's boss, Fred, decided to show that this was all a bunch of bullshit. Fred takes Tom to Hollywood and asks him to get Nicholas Cage's autograph. Sure enough, an hour later Tom comes walking in with the autograph and Mr. Cage himself. Fred is impressed, but still not 100% sure about Tom's popul…

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper. WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice …

New Mexico Chili Cook-off NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK OFF If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico. For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chil…

Ex-Wife Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars. Tom gets this horrified look on his…

So, Bob shot a duck and it fell into Tom's property... ...Bob quickly hopped over the fence and went into Tom's backyard to get his meal, but Tom walks outside and finds Bob trespassing. "Hey, Bob! That duck is in MY property, and it is MINE." "No way, Tom! I shot this duck fair and square. I shot it, so I eat it!" "How about this," said Tom. "We both kick each other in the balls, back and forth, back and forth, and the first person to fall on the floor, loses, and has to give up…

True Story Yesterday would have been my stepfather Tom's 75th birthday. To commemorate the occasion, I give you this story. Back in 2006, I was prepping to relocate from Nebraska back to Southern California, and this meant lots of phone calls between me and my mother. One Friday evening, I called her up, and I could hear some background noise. I asked where she was... Mom: Oh, Tom and I are at El Pollo Loco. We're getting some fish tacos for dinner. (It was Lent - Ed.) Me: Y'know, I've alway…

So Bob shot a duck and it fell into Tom's property...

In INTERSTELLAR, why does Tom's voice get higher when he's older? Answer: thedust

What is Tom's favorite kind of joyride? A cruise

Tom's wife had been dropping none too subtle hints about what she wanted for her birthday. She told him: "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under six seconds." So he got up early the next day, wrapped her gift, and left it on the driveway. It was bathroom scales. He is due out of hospital any day now.