#kingdom-of-heaven

Northerners Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?' God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?' 'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.' 'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing dow…

A priest and a lawyer had both died, after what seemed like eternity they finally stood before the pearly gates of heaven. Suddenly the gates open and a bright angel of God apears before them. ""Welcome to the kingdom of Heaven, please get in my carriage and I will show you to your new homes"" says the angel. The priest and the lawyer oblige and climb aboard. As they travel they see roads of gold and jewels. Houses large and small. Finally they approach the first house. It is large and beautiful…

A priest is waiting at the gates of heaven In front of him in line is an old man in well worn jeans and an equally worn leather jacket. The old man get's to the front of the line and St. Peter says ""state your name and occupation please"" He says ""Simon Burch, NYC taxi driver for 30 years"" St. Peter checks his list and smiles, ""here"" he says ""take this silk robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of Heaven"" Seeing this, the priest comes up and, when asked, booms ""I am Robert Eaton, S…

Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, ""The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."" The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, ""What on earth does Jesus mean -- 'the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?'"" Peter said, ""Don't worry, guys. It's just another one of his parabolas.""

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, ""Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"" The guy replies, ""I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."" Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, ""Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."" The taxi-driv…

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, ""Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"" The guy replies, ""I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.""Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, ""Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom."" The taxi-driver goes int…

A zebra died and went to heaven... Upon reaching the Pearly Gates he is greeted by Saint Peter. "Welcome, my creature, to the Kingdom of Heaven! Before entering I will answer one question your mortal body may have been concerned with!" Peter says. The zebra, who had always had one question on his mind, immediately asks, "I have been wondering this for quite some time, am I white with black stripes, or black with white stripes?" Saint Peter takes a second to ponder the question, and fin…

Three men are standing at the pearly gates... St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates." "How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks. "Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to travel that distance, but the quality of your vehicle is based upon how faithful you were to your spouse." Knowing they can't argue and that God obviously kn…

A minister dies.. ..and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-d…

Nuns in heaven A large monastery burns down and all the nuns suddenly appear before St. Peter at the pearly gates. They form a line so they can be admitted one by one. The first nun approaches Peter and after giving her name, the Patron Saint asks one question "Sister have you ever broken your vow of celibacy or been impure in any way?" "No," she replies "although I did once accidentally see a young monk as he was changing his robes." "Very well" says Peter "wash your eyes with this holy water …

A priest and a lawyer A priest and a lawyer had both died, after what seemed like eternity they finally stood before the pearly gates of heaven. Suddenly the gates open and a bright angel of God apears before them. "Welcome to the kingdom of Heaven, please get in my carriage and I will show you to your new homes" says the angel. The priest and the lawyer oblige and climb aboard. As they travel they see roads of gold and jewels. Houses large and small. Finally they approach the first house. I…

Priest and Pilot A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?' The guy replies, 'I' m Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.' Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pil…

At the pearly gates A minister died and was waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him was a guy in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter asked the guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replied, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, New York City." Saint Peter consulted his list, smiled and said, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver entered Heav…