#england

A man is sitting in a bar... When he overhears a couple women talking in a peculiar accent, he approaches the women; Man: excuse me are you ladies from England? Woman: Wales you idiot! Man: sorry are you Whales from England?

A fighter pilot was shot down over France during WWII... A fighter pilot is shot down over France during WWII and is captured by the Germans. He's injured, so they have to amputate his leg. ""Hey, next time you guys are bombing England, can you drop it over my base?"" So they do it. The next week they have to cut off his other leg, and he makes the same request. The *next* week they have to cut off his arm, but this time he's denied. ""Nein! Zis ve cannot do anymore!"" ""Why not?"" ""Because ve …

Divorce Couple goes before a judge. Judge says, What's the problem? Woman says, he's always talking about moving to England and won't stop calling me a cunt. Judge asks the man, Why'd you do that? Man says, The cunt doesn't want to move to England.

On a school trip to England I was on a school trip to England last March. A few of the kids that were on the trip had decided it would be a good idea to go ""stair sledding"" at our hotel. One of the boys went down the stairs, hit his face off the railing at the bottom and busted up his teeth up pretty bad. When we finally arrived home 6 or 7 days later, the boy gets off the bus and is greeted by his parents. Shocked, the ask him what was wrong with his teeth. The boy replies ""We went sledding …

What Type of tea do you like? A Brit and a Texan were sitting next to each other on a train. Noticing the Brit enjoying his tea, the Texan turns to him and, in his deepest Texas drawl, asks, ""What is it with you Anglish folk and tea?"" The Brit replies (in his thick English accent), ""Well sir, you see, in England we have three kinds of tea: We have English Breakfast Tea, which is thirty percent aroma and seventy percent texture. We have Afternoon Tea, which is seventy percent aroma and thirty …

I heard England won the Super Bowl... But what would I know, I'm not a big fan of tennis anyways.

A Brit and a Texan were sitting next to each other on a train.... A Brit and a Texan were sitting next to each other on a train. Noticing the Brit enjoying his tea, the Texan turns to him and, in his deepest Texas drawl, asks, ""What is it with you Anglish folk and tea?"" The Brit replies (in his thick English accent), ""Well sir, you see, in England we have three kinds of tea: We have English Breakfast Tea, which is thirty percent aroma and seventy percent texture. We have Afternoon Tea, which …

Irish Wife At the 1998 World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: ""At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."" The crowd cheered. The second speaker from Ame…

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scottish man all board a plane to America.... As they leave the airport from Heathrow and fly to america the Englishman has a bright idea. He turns around and says to the other two of his friends, ""why don't we throw some money out of the plane for good luck"". Brilliant idea they both turn around and say. So the Englishman goes first. He throws a 50 pence coin out of the airplane as they fly over England. When they fly over Scotland the Scottish man thinks, ""we…

Bridge to England A man who goes around a harbor in Denmark, looking longingly towards England, as he has always dreamed of visiting. The problem is that he suffers from a severe fear of flying and being utterly seasick just at the sight of a ferry. So it is a little difficult to get he dream of England fulfilled. Suddenly he notices an antique-looking bottle in the water. He fishes it out and pulls the plug out of it. To his great surprise a spirit comes out of the bottle . ""Thank you,"" says …

My wife and I were walking down the street. My wife and I were walking down the street when she spotted the mayor of our town. ""You should go introduce yourself"" she said. I replied ""I have known him for years why should I?"" ""You do not know the mayor!"" she exclaimed. It was then that we walked up and talked to the mayor for 10 minutes. When we walked away she said I guess you did know the mayor. About a year later my wife and I were traveling through Washington D.C. and she said ""Wouldn'…

Went to England and asked a local how Britt he was He said ""I'm Britt-ish""

If you are from Spain... You are caught between a rock and a Bard place. Edit: Rock= Gibraltar Bard place = England (Shakespeare=bard)

What's the difference between England and Oscar Pistorius? England gets off scott-free.

Does England have a Fourth of July? They do, they just don't celebrate it.

Breaking news! The England team has progressed to the knockout stages! Together the Three Lions, [Howard Webb](http://img.fifa.com/images/fwc/2014/referees/prt-3/219733.png) and his 2 assistants, have made the knockout stages! Go England!

England at the 2014 World Cup

I picked up a girl recently, she turned out to be a virgin. I said ""It's okay, all you need to do is lie back and think of England. Although in your case, I'd rather you lie back and think of London: don't make eye contact, and definately don't talk""

There once was an old cathedral in rural England... There once was an old cathedral in rural England. It was near a small village and most of the people that lived there attended church every week. This was a sad time for the people of this village, as the much beloved bell ringer for the church had fallen ill and died. The head minister of this cathedral had taken the death quite hardly, as he had been good friends with the man. Reluctantly, he put up a notice in the village square that they wo…

Paddy Englishman and Paddy Irishman are walking along the beach together, when they come upon a lamp in the sand. Being familiar with such cliches, they picked up the lamp, rubbed it, and lo and behold a genie appeared before them. ""For releasing me from my prison, I shall grant you both one wish each."" Paddy Englishman goes first, and thinks silently for a moment: ""Well, genie, I love my country, and I'm sick of it being ruined by lazy immigrants who do nothing but live off of state benefits…

There once was a teller at a bank... named Patricia MacIntosh. One day when she was at work, a frog walked into the bank, came right up to her and said: ""Gimme a loan for a thousand bucks."" Now Patricia was a good bank employee, and went to check his credit history to see if the loan could be approved. She found that he currently already had an outstanding loan which he hadn't even begun to pay off, and she therefore wasn't allowed to give him another one. After explaining this to the frog, th…

There's this British RAF pilot in WW2, and he's been captured by the Germans.... the Krauts have him tied up and they're interrogating him. ""Tell us about your seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your leg!"" The Pilot, dashing and resolute, refuses, but before they cut off his leg, he asks them to please drop it over England on their next bombing raid, so it can rest in peace. The Germans try again, furious at his determination: ""Tell us about your nation's seekret plans, or vee vill cut off yo…

Why is England the wettest country? Monarchies have reigned there for centuries.

A man was sitting on a blanket at the ocean beach. He had no arms & no legs. Three women, the first from England, the second from Wales and the third from Ireland, were walking past the poor man feeling sorry for him. The English woman said: ""Have you ever had a hug?"" The man said ""No,"" so she gave him a nice warm hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said, ""Have you ever had a kiss?"" The man said, ""No,"" so she gave him a gentle kiss and walked on. The Irish woman came to him and said: …

Sinko De Mayo It's a little known fact that in the early 1900s, the Mexican people had an absolute fascination with English mayonnaise Unfortunately, it was very hard to come by in those days. One day, an enterprising businessman collected money from people all over the Mexico to buy one huge shipment of mayonnaise. He went to England, bought the mayonnaise, but discovered that only one ship was large enough to accommodate the quantity of mayonnaise he was bringing home to Mexico. Unfortunately,…