#ing

Dating Tips. C all her 69 times a day. R ing her doorbell and hide. E avesdrop by phone tapping. E ye her bffs. P oke her on FB.

"Why Isn't The Media Covering This?" the media asks other media, peering into its media mirror, media-ing before a day of media in media.

I'm not just pms-ing. I'm ovary acting.

What do you call 69-ing in China? Tu Can Chu

My butt was set on fire while I was out with my girlfriend It was really ember-ass-ing.

Stutterer walks down the street, until he encountered a dead horse. He decided to call the police. Police: ""Police Department, how can I help you?"" Stutterer: ""O-o-o-o-on thi-i-i-this stree-e-e-e-street is lyi-i-ing a de-de-dead ho-ho-ho-rse."" P: ""What street it is?"" S: ""W-w-w-w..."" P: ""Washington Street?"" S: ""No! W-w-w..."" P: ""Wendy Street?"" S: ""No!"" P: ""Please, call in 10 minutes, when you will be able to say this."" Stutterer calls after 10 minutes. P: ""So can you tell us th…

A Man Gets A Phone Call About His Wife Being In A Car Crash A man gets a phone call. He finds out his wife's been in a bad car accident. He rushes to the hospital and the doctor says: ""Look I got bad news, it was a horrifying accident ; your wife will be crippled from the neck down, you'll have to feed and bathe her, you'll have to continually clear out her every orifice, and you're gonna have to change her because she has no control over her bladder..."". The man starts crying hysterically : "…

Why did the dry cleaners get shut down? The owner was arrested for money laundry-ing

My girlfriend started pms-ing today. I thinks it's just a big ovary action.

Why do french doctors always book followup appointments? Because they have a knack for retreat-ing

white reincarnations cost extra When you die and you're given the reincarnation menu, coming back as a white person probably will cost extra. You'll need to spend a few rounds as a Tibetan monk or Mississippi slave to save up enough God coins to unlock the exclusive angel-cake skin. By choosing white you get a ""likely to be well received by strangers"" bonus; random encounters will have a 25% greater chance of yielding favorable results (unless you're in bizarro world, aka gangland, where all s…

There once was an old cathedral in rural England... There once was an old cathedral in rural England. It was near a small village and most of the people that lived there attended church every week. This was a sad time for the people of this village, as the much beloved bell ringer for the church had fallen ill and died. The head minister of this cathedral had taken the death quite hardly, as he had been good friends with the man. Reluctantly, he put up a notice in the village square that they wo…

Saw a boat with a sign that read ""For Sale"" so I added the missing ""-ing""........................ Idiots.

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said ""I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense and I won't take no for an answer."" …

What's a vampire's favorite hobby? In-grave-ing.

eer booze and fun!' 'A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar he returns home on foot. When he enters his house he doesn't want to wake anyone so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad except that he had couple of empty pint bottl…

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping ""Tell me Mary who created the universe?"" When Mary didn't stir little Johnny an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ""God Almighty!"" shouted Mary and the teacher said ""Very good"" and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary ""Who is our Lord and Savior"" but Mary didn't even sti…

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all this was a very delic…

Fascinate Teacher: Can anyone use the word "fascinate" in a sentence? Billy: I was fascinated by the sunrise. Teacher: Good, but "fascinated" is past tense. Can anyone else try? Suzie: It was fascinating to see the flowers grow. Teacher: Good, Suzie, but you added an "ing" at the end of the word and made it an adjective. I just want to hear the verb "fascinate". Ernie: Yo mama got a blouse with 12 buttons on it...but she so fat, she can only fascinate!

Did you hear about the guy who ate so many creole sausages that he had a fatal heart attack? They were his andouille-ing. [I'll see myself out...]

What does an ear of corn hang on his fireplace during Christmas? A stalk-ing! (A stocking!)

Why did the train driver crash his train off the bridge? Because he was "in "ing ahahahahahahaahahaahanaha holy shit

What did Victoria say to Vancouver? I'll BC-ing you later.

Why are blacksmiths seen as very nosy? Because the are always metal-ing.

How did the Irishman get arthritis? By craic-ing his knuckles.