#bar

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

Hey people - learn to spell!!! I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I'm the bartender.

The music played on HGTV shows can be described as "Got drunk and wrote a dance song on a synthesizer."

Fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread and wrists.

If the liquor store didn't want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.

Forgetting to close my tab at the bar isn't as costly as forgetting to close tabs on my computer at home.

99 problems. 99 bottles of beer on the wall. Problems solved.

You may call it "alcohol abuse" but I've never heard alcohol complain.

if you have a cash bar at your wedding you should be embarrassed enough to never show your face in public again

I've started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer. Thus I have to move it to get a beer. Because exercise is important too.

Man: I'd like an order of buffalo wings Bartender: sorry, we don't serve food here *a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

[sound of can opening] wife: you're drinking a beer this early? me: c'mon...it's super bowl sunday wife: but we're still at church

ME: I know it's probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight! BEER: Hey buddy, don't be putting words in my mouth now.

[Bar] me: Gimme one more wife: I think you've had enough m: Last one w: Fine m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

I'm drunk and ready to get retarded! Wait, that's not politically correct. I'm soberly-challenged and ready to get retarded!

Mom: a little birdie told me you got drunk last night Me: you're the one friggen talking to birds

I ordered the CliffsNotes version of Snooki's book and they sent me a bar menu, a printout of the urban dictionary and an STD pamphlet.

Wife: you're drunk Me: no'm not Wife: I'M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE Wife: Me: ok lil bit

Two ninjas walk into a bar. Or do they?

If I was a detective, my main suspect would always be the person who returns to the scene of the crime AND is eating a Klondike bar.

I don't think peeing on a goose is the right answer.. But on the other hand.. I'm not sure it's the WRONG answer. -Drunk me at a zoo

"Get me another beer, boy" "Dad I'm an adult. My name's Bobby" "It's time you knew the truth boy. The 2nd & 3rd B's in your name are silent"

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn't mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.