#bar

On the Titanic 0 people died from alcohol poisoning and 1,500 people died from drinking too much water. You decide which is more dangerous.

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

*sees girl at bar* Hey baby, wanna get outta here? "Sure!" Good, you're really killing the vibe.

My 3-year-old referred to her granola bar as a, "NOLA bar" and now she's wearing Mardi Gras beads and asking me to make jambalaya.

How many beer trucks can you "accidentally" run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.

Sometimes I forget I'm from Florida and then I remember when I was 9, my dad had me drive the golf cart so he could get drunk on the course.

Welcome to the movie theater snack bar! Have some crunchy popcorn, noisy cup of ice, crinkly candy bags, maracas, bubble wrap, and a parrot!

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

[at a bar] me: hey girl are u a wanted criminal girl: no me: oh ok [to a group of cops] shes not here, search the other building

The Klondike Bar found out what I did for it, and now it's blackmailing me.

If I see someone is too drunk I take their keys. Not for safety, they're probably blacked out and just won't remember I stole their car.

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won't get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

Cop: Are you drunk? Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants* Cop: WOW. Yes actually. Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they're tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they're drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, "WAIT, THERE'S DONUTS?" and I say, "Sorry, last one!" and then eat it.

If I could have back all the money I've spent on drugs and alcohol, I'd celebrate by buying more drugs and alcohol.

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

[furniture store] Wife: We're putting in a bar. Salesman: OK Wife: And... S: Yes? W: Go ahead, say it. Me: WE'RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

this beer contains chemicals known to the state of california to cause ice cold refreshment

Know how drunk girls go out of their way to insist how sober they are? The same rule applies to a guy who always talk about how "big" he is.

You don't really know someone until you observe their behavior around an unlimited salad bar.

I hope all the friends I've made in the bathroom at 1am are still SO pretty and everything worked out with that boy they were drunk texting

Weed is better than beer because with weed the ugly chick stays ugly.