#bar

I'm at my most "floor manager" when I'm falling down drunk.

Thank goodness I'm loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can't blame it on the alcohol.

Being Irish means getting rip-roaring drunk on special occasions. For example, when you celebrate dinner.

First you can't smoke and now you get banned for grinding up on other patrons. It's like, why even bother getting drunk at the zoo anymore?

Just spilled beer on my crotch, so to save myself from the embarrassment, I pissed my pants. Can't have people thinking I'm a sloppy drinker

My daughter asked me what marriage is like, so I threw out all her Ken dolls, except for the bald drunk one.

It won't be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn't laugh at something.

Me: Is there alcohol in this? Barista: ... No ma'am. Me: Can there be?

[date at rooftop bar] give me ur hand "Is tha-are u wearing a squirrel tail?" *rips off jacket to reveal flying squirrel suit* do u trust me

Gonna start a gym called "Resolutions". For the first two weeks of January it's a gym. The rest of the year it becomes a bar.

My parents are pretty middle aged. "So? That's pretty norm-" *two knights bust in* "CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?"

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

When beer and cheese isn't the answer... Change the question

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir? PANCAKE ok I need you to step out of the car

*16 calls me at office* 16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight? Me: No 16: You're out of beer Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you're not afraid to use it Brain: This makes sense right now Body: We're on board Pavement: Come at me bro

Last night I got so drunk I spent an hour apologizing to a tree for saying it's bark was worse than it's bite.

Me: Could a drunk person do this!? *assembles Ikea bookcase* Her: that's supposed to be a couch.

Go to bed barstool. You're drunk

I should probably see someone about my mental health, like a drug dealer or bartender or something.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face?" The horse sues him for discrimination and wins $4.3 million and the bar.

What is it Lassie? Timmy fell down a well? Earthquake in LA? The Russians are coming? You found a plane? No? ...Oh, you want another beer.

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] "you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me" me: [trying to pick up my beer] "i can do it"

I will never refer to 'drunk me' or 'sober me' because that implies the second one exists.

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.