#bar

I would love to go to the bar tonight but, people.

85% of baseball's appeal is good weather and alcohol.

Forget waterboarding. You want confessions? Lock the guy in a room with a laptop, a Twitter account and a bottle of whiskey.

[god inventing animals] okay here's a new one. It's an umbrella "okay" made out of jello "alright" and it electrocutes things "you're drunk"

It might be a sign you have a drinking problem when the cashier at the liquor store asks if you own a bar.

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their c**ktails while they're trying to catch her.

GOd damn millennials with all their browser tabs. The only "tab" we used to "open" was at the bar, every day, because we had "alcoholism"

When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.

Mad scientist- Checks for Labs Bartender- Checks for Tabs Boxer- Checks for Jabs Uber- Checks for Cabs Your back - Checks for Stabs

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

I'm THIS MANY drunk!! *holds up waffle*

I've upped my game so now instead of buying women at the bar drinks I buy them a pony

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."

instagram me like one of your drunk girls

Cop: You know why I pulled you over? M: Speeding? C: No! M: Not using my blinker? C: No! M: Because I'm drunk? Cop: Sir get off the mower!

My 8yo's looking for a summer job. He's a pretty decent bartender if anyone's hiring.

I'm 89% certain I'm technically still dating at least 3 women from the late 90's early 2000's cause I left for beer and never came back

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators

ME: did it hurt GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

Two types of people that irritate me: 1. A drunk person when I'm sober. 2. A sober person when I'm drunk.

beer gardens are great because who wouldn't want to grow beer

This is the first Super Bowl party I've been to where there are babies. Not sure what to do. Do I, like, offer them a beer or something?

Drunk girls whisper in caps lock.

You know you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.