#bar

Off to the DMV. Time for new license pic. Gonna be really drunk for it. If i ever get pulled over the cop will think i always look like that

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I'm nervous. *vomits* HR guy: Umm...you sure about that? Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I'm just super drunk right now

*Approaches girl at bar* Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes! Me: You have lovely hairy eyes Brain: My bad.

In some ways it's sucks that we are smart enough to understand the futility of life. But luckily we're also smart enough to invent alcohol.

I'm sorry that I'll never be as fun in person as I am in drunk texts.

A lion walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave predicting the impending danger at hand.

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

Going by the amount of beer I consume I think I'm technically a vegan.

[in a bar] Him: Trouble is my middle name. Me: wow... That's a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents. Him: *breaks down crying

[hitting on hot babe in bar] ".. You're 28? NO WAY! I used to be 28! This is spooky. You like oxygen? OMG you're not gonna believe this.."

Home alone tonight The fridge is making weird noises I think the beer wants out....

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle. Wife: How?! M: Just help me. W: Have you tried butter? M: It's delicious. Now will you help me?

You're all invited to my second bar mitzvah where I become a child once again

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

Just donated my body to science. I'm your problem now, science. And I could use some pizza and beer.

I'm opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.

The only standards I have in life are about the quality of alcohol I consume, and even that gets sketchy after about 5 drinks.

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch? Oscar: Growing up, my parents were- *stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle* CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

I'm not proud of this, but if the price is right, I'll buy your high school kid alcohol.

Tell women at the bar you are the lead singer of Train. There's no way they can know your lying.

I've been told I have a certain ineffable quality. But ladies, I think you'll find I'm totally effable if you drink enough beer.

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.