#bar

I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

I bet when scientists throw office parties, there's always the one guy who gets drunk and carbon dates his own butt.

8yo [looking at a poorly wrapped gift] was Santa drunk when he wrapped this? Me: that's purely speculation

I'm giving up alcohol for a month. Wait sorry, that didn't come out right : I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.

IAN: Why is that bear hanging out in the bar? ME: He's a well known, gimmick. IAN: Really? ME: That's Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.

Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I'm some sort of amateur? *googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*

A juice bar called Just Kale Yourself.

This bartender doesn't know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

Eighteen is too young to get married. You can't even buy alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?

Reading texts you sent when you were drunk is like terrifying digital archeology.

Therapist: Talk about your friends. Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine... T: That's a Billy Joel song. Me: You're no fun.

Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn't serve booze and the worst singer won't get off the stage.

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

Belgium is a leading producer of beer, chocolate, and weapons. I picture a country full of very well-armed fat people. Another one, I mean.

1 Buy a racehorse 2 Hire a TMZ reporter as the jockey 3 Tell him a minor celebrities is drunk at the finish line 4 Win literally every race

Just got invited to an "alcohol-free" wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it's going to be a "present-free" wedding too.

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit "ignore caller" on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

cop: "you're drunk, get out of the car." judas: "bbut I've bbeen on tthe water all night." - [jesus whistles innocently]

Police officer: When's your birthday? Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy... ten dash four PO: What year? Me: Ugh duh every year

Bartender: What will you have? Me: Whiskey BT: Straight? Me: Except for that one time in college. BT: Me: BT: Me: How 'bout them Red Sox?

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I'm a bad parent... A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

"So I go east? Then west? Then back east?" ~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week. Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

Kids wont go to sleep so I'm playing hide&seek. And now they'll never find me, because they aren't old enough to drive or get into this bar.