#bar

Not to brag, but I don't even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich* *grabs beer* *sits on couch; turns on TV* Him: Ma'am, this is an open house Me: I need the full experience

Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now....

[bar closing time] Do you wanna come over to my place? Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah Ok hold on.. *dials phone* Mom? Can you pick me up now?

I'm actually kind of handsome when you're drunk and the light is low and there's no other dudes around and you have low standards.

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I'm going with that story.

I always knew I'd end up drunk in a gutter. I just didn't expect everyone around me to keep bowling.

My business portfolio is a cigarette butt inside an empty beer bottle.

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

Apparently champagne is the easiest alcohol to digest, so I'm going to consume several bottles to wash down my salad.

Beer foam is the opposite of memory foam.

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

I hate when the cashier ask me " You doing alright today " when I'm buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

My stages of drunk: 1. You're UGLY 2. You're HOT 3. You're BEAUTIFUL 4. Your HONOR in my defense......

"This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu" -me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

It won't be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It'll be me laughing at an inappropriate time.

What am I gonna do with a river? Could you cry me a beer?

My right eye wouldn't stop weeping all day until I said BE A MAN YOU FREAK and now it's just drinking beer to hide it's feelings

I typed "Cigarettes" in the search bar and it said "No Matches". The universe has spoken.

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work? *flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn't find a thermos* "Yes"

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don't even drink blood alcohol.

Skrillex sounds like that time I threw a bag of beer bottles into an empty dumpster & a homeless dude yelled jibberish at me for waking him.

[Minister]: Do you take this woman to be your lawful [Groom]: I'm just here for the open bar.

[Me]: What's a snowman's favorite drink? [Bartender]: idk [Me]: Brrrr-bon lol [Bartender]: ... [Me]: jk snowmen don't drink they aren't real