#bar

What happened to sneaking out and getting drunk in the woods? Teenagers these days be all "I hate you mom I'm joining ISIS."

If there isn't an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I'm not going!

Sorry about all of the alcohol and drugs, my body, but I took two sips of water before I fell asleep so we're good.

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, "you have a problem" so I replied, "no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar."

"I wasn't that drunk!" "Dude, you congratulated a potato for getting a part in Toy Story."

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

I will love you 'til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

*loses beer *opens new beer *finds old beer *drinks 2 beers I win

"Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I'm headed to the bar."

My stages of drunk: 1) onstage 2) backstage 3) hostage

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they'd do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

If getting drunk and eating pizza rolls is wrong then maybe I don't fully comprehend how a kindergarten open house actually works.

In his defense, everyone sounds drunk when they say "I'm Shia LaBeouf"

My stages of drunk: 1) "Everybody, watch this!" 2) Prison

one of the tvs at this bar is showing hockey and the other is showing an infomercial for a blender and more people are watching the blender

[quietly opens a beer] Funeral Director: seriously?! Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

A policeman walks into a bar. The bar is now being charged for assaulting a police officer.

Watching soccer gives me the same feeling as watching a drunk guy try to get his key in the door.

Best pick up line in a gay bar? "May I push your stool in?"

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

My neighbors are drunk & climbing up the balcony. Or possibly being robbed. Whatever.

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes Until I got drunk, and put them on

This guy at the bar wouldn't shut up about how Zombies "could be real" So I killed him... If he comes back...He wins the argument

"...and it looks like you spent $80,000 on alcohol this year?" - my tax guy

What did u do last night? Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey Don't u mean sorrows? Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?