#bar

You can't buy love, but you can buy a lot of alcohol so just be happy about that.

We put a rover on Mars and made color changin' beer cans. It's about time somebody invents a day to stick between Sunday and Monday. Merica.

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

Who needs drugs or alcohol when you've got a carbon monoxide leak?

Got caught again. Next time I'm stealin alcohol from the neighbor's, I gotta remember not to do it hummin the Mission Impossible theme song.

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You're annoying enough as it is

you can tell im drunk by the number of made-up words i concoctulate

THEY SAY CHRIS BROWN GOT WORST TATTOO EVER! NO AGREE! DRUNK HULK THINK TATTOO GOT WORST PERSON EVER!

My daughter may only be one year old today, but she retrieves beer from the fridge at a fourth grade level.

Screw you, Burger King, if you really wanted me to have it "MY way" you'd have added alcohol to your menu.

I hate my job, but it pays for my alcohol, and I need the alcohol, because I hate my job.

Went to type in build a bear and accidentally googled build a bar. Better idea, I know

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line "lettuce romaine friends" at a low cost of my student loans.

''Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.'' -Jesus flirting in a bar

*a man runs into the bar* "HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?" *my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*

Me: *staring into mirror* Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary *skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink* SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50

It's cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

I'm almost drunk enough to comment on a YouTube video.

What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common?? . In each scenario, there's a dumb guy who didn't take it out in time.

On a scale of 1 to Charlie Sheen, I'm at Mel Gibson drunk right now.

I bet a lesbian geneticist would do a lot of lab work for a clone dike bar.

Angel: God.. Were you drunk creating last night? God: no..... Angel: *holds up platypus God: a little..

Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top. -me to my beer.

Drunk texts are only fun if you're the one sending them. With that said, I'm having a blast right now.

"Got any drugs or alcohol on you?" "yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"