#bar

"Just how drunk are you?" - "French toast"

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I'm not that old...

Every chair is a reclining chair when you're drunk.

Going to a bar within walking distance of my house reduces the likelihood that I will wake up partially clothed behind a dumpster tomorrow.

I need beer money but I've probably captured my neighbor's cat and returned it for the reward one too many times.

I spent the day in nature and by nature I mean drinking beer on a golf course. I saw a butterfly.

"Beer: Helping White Guys Dance Since 1842" Posters Helping White Guys Seem Funny Since 1998

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that's on you. That is your bad.

I only had one beer Cupcake Can i call you Cupcake? No?? Okay, I only had one beer Officer.

im straight edge i only drink beer and smoke meth

A dog and a cat walk into a bar. One starts licking its ass and the other says "Two can play that game!" They forget about drinks.

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don't have a baby. So no.

Be original. Don't just walk up to a girl in a bar. Pay bouncers to clear a path & cartwheel up to her. If rejected casually cartwheel away.

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I'd be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

"Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I'd like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham."

My dog just fell off the bed. I'm glad I'm not the only one drunk around here.

If you swap the fried cheese for cheese, the beer for wine and the cheese art for actual art, Wisconsin is just like France.

*sits down in a classy as hell bar* "barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn..." *lowers shades* "$200 every 4 months"

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

People who do not use the grocery store divider bar can rot in hell.

No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I'm on it and that's not what's happening.

This bar smells so bad and I can't tell who's homeless and who's a hipster.

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over