#bar

I'm not sure who's more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

[bar] CUSTOMER: Barman BARMAN: Sir? C: This beer tastes like piss [further down the bar] BEAR GRYLLS: I'll have what he's having

Randomly play a recording of a candy bar wrapper being opened just to keep your kids on their toes.

Me: Yeah man, got her right where I want her Bartender: Oh yeah? Me: Yup, sitting at home while the cable man works on th ::rushes home::

I have never once hit a drink or treated one badly so don't tell me about alcohol abuse!

Neighbors just got a pirate ship playhouse for their backyard. Drunk me has never been so excited.

I drink my alcohol responsibly...spilling is not an option

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I'm drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

[at a bar] *creepy dude is hitting on me* Me: you wanna get outta here? Him: yeah Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

"911 wats ur emergency" hi-- huh? um-- so, uh-- ah. oh geez. well im only just now realizimg that the girl at the bar gave me a fake number

Beer commercials tell us we should drink "responsibly". So I'm starting a college fund for my kids with all the empty cans.

Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..

You can stop advertising pizza and beer during football. People who watch football know about them.

If I drank as little alcohol as I tell my doctor I'd weigh as little as I tell the people at the DMV when I renew my driver's license.

If your problem can be solved by: Naps Cake Drugs Alcohol or Murder Then you don't really have a problem.

*gets to hell* [In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

[first day as a bartender] Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

Drugs and alcohol are never the answer. Unless the question is "What are you gonna do this weekend, Pauly?"

Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.

Open bottle, allow it to breathe. If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth to mouth -Beer

"Hi, my name is Gary and I'm a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store."

I have an outstanding credit score and even know a dude named Tanner but I'm still not white enough to drink pumpkin beer.

Yay summer! *gets drunk outside* Yay winter! *gets drunk inside*

It's a dark stormy night. You're scared & alone. You hear a bump in the night. You jump! You scream! Then your cat comes in the house drunk.

M.C. Escher walks into a bar forever.