#bar

Whenever I'm about to get in a bar fight, I give a karate bow to my opponent in hopes he gets scared and backs out before I piss myself.

If Twitter was a country, its flag would just have a bunch of poop and bacon and beer on it.

Doc: So you're not sleeping? Me: nah D: how much water do you drink? M: a glass a day D: Alcohol? M: 4 glasses D: Coffee? M: Yes, please

The hell with a Klondike Bar, ask me what I'd do for a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

Friday night. Sitting in a bar. As the designated driver. NO, I'M NOT BITTER. I'M PUNCHING YOU IN THE FACE OUT OF A SENSE OF WONDER.

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer. Rascals! #txt

Apparently, "I judge a great wine by its alcohol content", doesn't impress wine snobs

You know what they say, "liquor before beer, you still have a problem but cute rhymes make it less clear."

Fitness level: Just used a yoga DVD as a coaster for my beer. Namaste.

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football. America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now

You know you're drunk when the cat barks.

The world would be a better place if everybody drank alcohol. It would get even better if some of them choked on it.

A realistic Applebee's commercial would show a collection of recently divorced dads blankly staring at the bar's televisions.

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

Sorry I called you a drunk, but in my defense, I didn't think you'd remember.

"I'm the world champion of hearing," I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

Bartender: YOU'RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets? Me: [I try to say "NO" but it's just lavender scented bubbles]

7yo: mommy you smell like beer. Me: well, you smell like a bad idea that your dad and I thought could fix our marriage....now go to bed.

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

Although it sounds like it could be a good one, Pissflaps is a terrible name for a bar & grill

Me: - Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty? Wife: - Because you're a pessimist, honey!