#bar

Relationship status: can't go to the same bar as last night, because I'm wearing the same shirt as last night.

a gymnast walks into a bar. she is immediately given a 0.0 and disqualified from Olympic trials. you're supposed to jump OVER the bar, idiot

I'll never feel more drunk than I do walking down a broken escalator sober.

My stages of awkward: Sober me: I don't know what to do with my hands Drunk me: I don't know what to do with my face High me: What face?

Mel Gibson, Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen walk into a bar. I don't know what the punchline is, but I'm pretty sure the cops are showing up.

everytime pitbull performs i get scared because i probably know the words from drunken bar nights

Wait, you've got 99 bottles of beer on the wall? A. You should be refrigerating those, not putting them on a wall. B. You are an alcoholic.

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean - atrophy - space bar - supervision - extraction - dogmatic

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

"HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU?! Seriously? You're 10 years old." "..." "Beer before liquor, never sicker. NEVER. SICKER."

You ever get so drunk you write your social security number in the tip slot on your bar tab?

This could be the Alcohol talking but.... OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

I just passed a beer truck on the highway. "Wait a minute. I'm named after beer?!!?" -My 6 yr old son, Miller

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous. We'll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

*Alcohol kills germs. *Vodka is alcohol. *Flu is germs. *Vodka kills the flu. *You're welcome!

[turns to buddy just before bar fight] "I'll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja"

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, "Go home you're drunk!" Just another time alcohol saved my life.

If you don't use a bottle opener to open your beer, you drink shitty beer.

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

If I was a drunk superhero, I'm pretty sure I'd be "I Love You Man"

How did girls text before emojis? Hey I can't wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

Go sport ball! Game time! Yelling and outfits! Beer! You guys are bad! We are good! Sports yelling! Bright colors! #sports

Ever notice how loud the sound of a beer can opening up is at the gym.

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

~ At a bar last night ~ Her: I don't want to be alone tonight Me: Well, I can take care of that *takes her home* Me: Pick any cat you want