#bar

The term drinks like a fish is my family crest at an open bar:P

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

I haven't been drunk in so long, I almost forgot what it's like to love everyone.

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I'd have to stay away from carbs So I've been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

Bf and I are on 2 completely different emotional planes right now. Work faster, whiskey.

What's the best way to remove a grass stain? Alcohol? I don't see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

'What I'm about to say is extremely important!!' -Drunk people

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn't do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don't look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

Me: *trying to be cool* Scotch Bartender: Preference? Me: *nervously* hop Bartender: Bout time! *breaks out sidewalk chalk*

Just had a really enlightening yoga session! LOLJK! I'm drinking warm whiskey out of a water bottle designed for hamsters.

I want to throw a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted.

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

[pulled over] COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car? ME: no COP 2: told you he was a nerd ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs COP 1: lol gotcha

It's not gay if it's for a Klondike Bar.

Look, all I'm saying is that the dinosaurs didn't drink alcohol and look what happened to them.

I tried 12 times to fit this joke in the 140 character limit, and I think I've finally done it. A caterpillar walks into a bar and says, "Wh

This hotel has the worst mini-bar. All the little bottles of booze taste like shampoo.

A horse walks into a bar. A horse walks into a bank. A horse drives a car. Welcome to horse country. There's shit everywhere please help us.

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar... With our age difference, I wouldn't be a cougar... more like a saber-toothed tiger.

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK: STEP 1: buy a recliner STEP 2: buy some beer STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

[COPS] *into radio* We've got a drunk man in the park who thinks he's a lion tamer. "SIR! PUT THE WHIP DOWN & STEP AWAY FROM THE CAROUSEL!"

Sometimes when I'm drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I'm the host from Unsolved Mysteries

I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.

"Hey, we're best friends! This is the most fun ever! Lets take some pictures!" - drunk people