#bar

Shouting "wahoo" instead of "woo-hoo" so everyone in this bar knows that I'm into fun AND sport fishing.

If you ever see me in a restaurant, please approach my table and do your Drunk Uncle impression. Especially if I'm with family or a girl.

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

ME: "I'll have a rum & coke." HIM: "I can't serve you." ME: "Because I'm too drunk?" HIM: "No. 'cause this is a hardware store."

I once got so drunk I put shaving cream on my face & used an electric shaver. Then poured a glass of wine on my face b/c I had no aftershave

My 13 yo niece is "experimenting with alcohol" according to my dad. Like she's keeping a ledger of her findings. "12/21/09: Scotch. Woo!"

*Jesus drinking at a bar* *jesus orders another drink* "jesus you're too drunk I can't give you anymore" Kan I jst haev a water? "nice try"

I got a secret! I got a secret! Whiskey: Not anymore.

When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it's going to end badly for everyone.

just got my deaf friend drunk and he's slurring fingers so bad right now

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What've you got?

"I don't understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober." - Florida State

Students, unfollow me now. Tonight's drunk subtweets might sting a little. Especially you Britney. Your lab report was a pile of dog shit.

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

Two animated gifs walked into a bar. Two animated gifs walked into a bar. Two animated gifs walked into a bar. Two animated gifs w[ESC]

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that's when I realised I was drunk.

I leave the window open at night hoping a drunk criminal will accidentally drop a bag of money inside while trying to break in.

NyQuil before beer, nothing to fear. Beer before Nyquil, never been a 30-foot panda on the French Riviera selling kites to angry trees.

I'm amazed by the number of people who text while driving. How do they manage to maintain control of their car without spilling their beer?

Met this Muslim chick at the bar and she told me to add her as a friend on Eyebook.

Danke for calling Germany. To order beer, press 1. To order weapons, press 2. To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

Jokes about being drunk on Twitter are redundant. Maintaining a Twitter account automatically implies that you're drinking on some level.

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He's laying in the snow and I won't share the picnic table with him.