# bar

Beer:"You know what would be funny?" Me:"No. What?" Beer:"Really? Finish me and have four more then I'll ask again." Me:"Yes, sir."

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I've had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I'm not drink. Drank. Drunk.

Me: excuse me, but I can't taste the alcohol Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here. Me: YOU SHOULDN'T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!

#Klondike Bar #Bar #Dark Humor #One-Liner

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

Let's talk about the elephant in the room. I apologize for bringing it in here last night. There was alcohol involved. Can we keep him?

#Animals #Bar

32. Never married. No children. nnI'm the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.

#Marriage #Bar

I feel like MacGyver- given a bottle opener and a bottle of beer, I was able to crudely fashion an open bottle of beer.

#Driving #Police #Bar #One-Liner

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don't reply with "I'm too drunk, you get in."

Seriously In 20 years time and you're at a pub quiz and a question starts with "in what year" Just answer 2016

#Hans #Germany #Bar #One-Liner

I'm in Germany. Time to drink precisely one bier (beer) and call every man "Hans"

Pretend it's a beer... Pretend it's a beer... Pretend it's a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.

#Kids #Bar #One-Liner

#Bar #Dark Humor #One-Liner

I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.

I've been so drunk that homeless people give me their footlong sub. When they give it to me they whisper, "Get your shit together, rookie."

I peeled off the sticker that said "Don't consume alcohol while on medication." I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

"are you drunk?" - everyone's response when i send a nice text

if you're havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they're all bottles of beer on the wall

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I'll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

...and then the whiskey whispered "You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed."

#Soviet Russia #Bar #One-Liner

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

July 5th, 1776: The day the British drunk-texted America and said they still loved them.

#America #Bar #One-Liner

I think I'm gonna shave my legs so that there's less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.

#Fridge #Bar #One-Liner