A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, "why the long face?" & the horse says, "why the English Lit degree?"

Wife: We need to go to the store. We're out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We're out of beer. Me: *dives in the car*

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ's face I don't think he's going to play them. Here come the police they'll help me

I feel a weird sense of pride when I'm so drunk that autocorrect just gives up.