My wife and I have been dieting together for a week so it'd probably be safer for me to come home smelling like perfume than a Snickers bar.

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming "KITT!" When he can't find his car.

I am at my most drunk when I go from chat room to chat room yelling WHO STOLE MY POPTART!!

[arcade] KID: dad, some guy is hogging the claw machine DAD: hey buddy, why don't you give the kid a turn LOBSTER: BACK OFF WE'RE IN LOVE