Wife: We need to go to the store. We're out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We're out of beer. Me: *dives in the car*

I feel a weird sense of pride when I'm so drunk that autocorrect just gives up.

Old enough to know better, but still too drunk to care.

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she's coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco