#one-liner

I kid you not. -Condom wearers

If bars can say no to drunk people why won't McDonalds say no to fat people?

It's a real shame Friday doesn't come as quick as I do

me: hi sloth: HELL!!!! me: ..umm [walks away] sloth: ..oh :(

"So I was on a spaceship, and you were there, but it was not you, you know? Anyways..." - MLK's less important dream

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

So we're basically living the plot of "Contagion," but instead of dying girls keep getting bangs.

Captain America: WHERE ARE YOU WE NEED YOU Black WINDOW: FOR THE LAST TIME YOU GOT THE WRONG NUMBER

"I'm a vegetarian but I eat fish." - People who don't get how definitions work.

I'm pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder, then by definition marriage is a terrible idea.

Our dog runs away so much, I'm just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

"Seriously, is that what I look like?" - robot watching a guy 'doing the robot'

Found a jelly bean in my skittles like a surprise gift from the Diabetes Fairy.

My grandma sent the entire newspaper to me in the subject line of an email.

Why don't you tell us what's really wrong, loud sneezers?

Every tweet ever tweeted begins with an implied "None of y'all asked my opinion, but ..."

My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn't letter. They said only mails work here.

Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I'm not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.

PIG: "I'm paranoid everyone's trying to turn me into bacon" PSYCHIATRIST: "I'll cure you" PIG: "Oh God, not you too"

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he's black.

"It's time to turn over a new leaf." - Adam & Eve on laundry day

I think what I did to get away from that spider could qualify as parkour.

Relationships are easier if one of you is a cake.

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer--I don't have any.