#one-liner

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

extremely suspicious that there's no information about brains that didn't come from a brain

"OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??" -me watching gymnastics

Cat 1: Are the humans asleep? Cat 2: It appears so. Cat 1: I shall now sing the anthem of my people.

If you're not wearing the shirt you slept in, you're doing Sunday wrong.

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

UBER: Sounds better than "Let's get in this strange man's car!"

The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun.

Nice try "Enjoy By" date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

Hey Gillette commercial, Want to impress me with your Razors? Have Robin Williams shave his arms with one...

So happy I got to see "bucket list" added to the dictionary before I die.

Women want men they can fix; men want girls they can save; I want a sandwich that makes itself.

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

On the off chance I'm captured by cannibals, I've got a 'Best if eaten by 1975' tattoo on my neck.

Got so high last night we searched for my friend for half an hour while he helped us look

Pro Tip: I'm not a pro. Don't listen to my tips.

She's got a great personality! It's the other 6 personalities that I'm worried about....

When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.

Me: Speak. C'mon, boy, speak. Dog: No, I'm mad at you.

eating ice cream after working out so my body knows who's in charge

For date night tonight I'm taking my wife out for a nice dinner at the Sam's Club sample tables.

Every morning I wake up super pissed at my parents because I have to go to work instead of living off a trust fund.

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they're in the middle of a race.

Accidentally pushed the premium gas button and now I'm worried my car is high.

My apathy is at an all time whatever.