#one-liner

I will convert to your religion if it makes this rash go away.

Dear Apple, Sorry to hear that you're still figuring out how cell phones work.

when I grow up I want to be the guy who wears a puffy suit and gets attacked by police dogs

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

Next time someone wants you to hold a baby, say "I'm so bad with live babies!"

Heads up guys, if you ask your wife how to spell menage a trois she's gonna want to know why.

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn't really fit me anyway.

"Not again" ~ Me, waking up every morning..

not one character on the show Friends had a job that was a joke, was broke, or had a love life that was DOA.

Text your friends but leave voicemails for your enemies.

I bet in hell you have to sleep in a hot bedroom with a pillow that never has a cool side.

Love songs are liars.

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

My GF's anti aging cream went bad. HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!

Life; It's all about finding the next good time.

she wants the D (director's cut)

Stranger: "Excuse me where is the nearest..." Me: "GOOGLE IT!"

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

I just want to be one of those dads who runs on the field & tackles an opposing 6 year old

Purell is 99.8% effective in reminding you about your paper cut.

*donates body to science* Science: "I have a boyfriend"

"Hey Fred" Yeah Barney? "The Bee Gees have no hot chicks in the band" Yeah but ABBA do!

what does the Bible say about faking your own death to get out of jury duty

The Walking Dead is Jesus's favorite show.