#one-liner

To err is human. To errrrrrrr! eerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! errrrrrrrrrrrrr! is racecar.

"One day I caught myself smiling for no reason, then I realized I was thinking of you...." under a moving bus

It's actually a good thing money doesn't grow on trees because I've killed every plant I've ever owned.

HER: Can I give you my new number? ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don't already know.

I have failed math eleventeen times or so.

There's nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I'm making a pros and cons list.

i need a reasonably paying job. something like $6,000 an hour, nothing too wild.

*checks watch* *gets up off toilet* I don't have time for this shit

its adam and eve not woody and buzz, if you want a real toy story read the bible

If you whisper, "we're being watched," you can hug a stranger for as long as you want. My record is 13 days.

I'll never rob a store because I don't want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

ASIAN KIDS: Do they make you ride through the X-ray machine at the airport since your minds are basically computers?

Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.

hey guys maybe girls are so cold all the time because you make us shave off all our hair

Air bags: my car's attempt of cheering me up after accidents by giving me surprise balloons.

For 30 minutes after my first cup if coffee I love everybody. If I could bottle that feeling we could fix the world.

"Ummmm..." -Rope, while being tied into a noose

"I'm so glad that pasting that text included the format of the original document!" -- No one. Ever.

If it weren't for smoke detectors, I'd never know when my food was ready.

Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I'll probably live forever.

Fat girls just want to have Funyuns.

I bet the only thing scarier than a clown is the web history of someone who makes their living as one.

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn't catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

I wonder if they have WiFi in Hell...