#one-liner

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

"I'm soooo tired!" [lays down in bed] "I'm soooo comfortable!" Bladder: Sup bro

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy - Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

Movie theater employees have 2 ages: 17 104

If you're throwing babies out with your bathwater, I don't think parenting is for you.

Scientists are now saying they may never discover what LinkedIn is for.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Bad news: none of the fireworks at the Trump rally misfired and killed me!

I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously* *keeps narrowing them* *closes them entirely* [naps]

"Wow, you look like shit this morning." "Really? That's funny because I was totally going for the urination look."

If im walking around with my arms crossed, there's a 90% chance im not mad...Im just probably not wearing a bra

Therapist has suggested yoga, for a calming, alternate state of consciousness. But its to much easier just to drink.

I've started an elimination diet, It's where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.

The 7 Drug Habits Of High, Ineffective People

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn't you? ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I'm going out for tacos

In a parallel universe, a group of sentient guitars groan as one guitar gets out a human at a party.

I'm not saying you're fat, but you should consider having CPR instructions tattooed on your chest.

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant] check, mate *everyone explodes*

I'm not here to make FRIENDS - David Schwimmer on his day off (it is 1996 in this tweet)

You're like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

If being a success was a sound, I bet it would sound a lot like this air pump I'm using to inflate my new furniture.

Hey men, don't be fooled by maxipad commercials. Ladies aren't really full of blue windshield washer fluid.

Ugh, I hate social media. (please validate this opinion via social media)