#one-liner

Just write any numbers in the sudoku boxes. It doesn't matter. We're all gonna die.

Do people who use handkerchiefs know they don't have to hang on to the things that come out of their nose?

No one gave an f about his chicken when he was Lieutenant Sanders

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we'd even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

Every day is the first day of the rest of your life. So I live like a newborn, sleepy and confused.

"At some point" is my favorite time to meet up with people.

What idiot called it a rattlesnake's warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I'M IN A GANG NOW

Did you know that no Pokemon is born racist, they have to be taught that [whispers to Pikachu] grass types are lazy

Merry Christmas. Did anyone get a car with a giant ribbon on top? Has anyone ever? Do those ribbons even exist?

Villains: Just leave the city where the super hero is. Problem solved.

If your victim freaks out when you pull a knife, politely sheath your blade and change the subject.

A disgruntled bubble wrap factory worker could shoot 20 men and no one would turn their heads.

*popular kid is struggling in class *gets a tutor to help *Kool-Aid

My wife just gave me that come hither look and when I come hithered she pointed to the trash

I don't understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

i think it's about time we get honest with children about how they're bad at most things

As I get older and continue to meet new people... I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

Twitter takes me places I've never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

Marijuana may cause paranoia but so does watching CNN.

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse) Friends: Are you sure you've played water polo before?

Her: Prove that you care about me Me: *Takes my phone off the charger and plugs in hers

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!