#one-liner

My 2 year old has a pretty big attitude considering that I'm the only one who can open the fridge.

Don't brag about anything you achieved before 1980. There were billions less people. It was way easier.

I have Facebook like reflexes. "Don't you mean cat-like reflexes?" *throws a book and hits you right in the face*

Why do people go to the gym again? Do they not know what a nap is?

It doesn't matter if I go to church or the gym as long as I can act superior later, right?

Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

I'm too embarrassed to tell you how many times I've mistaken insulation for cotton candy.

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrodinger house is quite stressful.

Me: Did it hurt? Her: Did what hurt? Me: When you fell from a really high distance. Dating as an atheist is hard.

No need to write it down, I've a photographic memory *looks hard af* *pukes polaroid*

you'll know you're a grown-up when you keep fifteen unnecessary pillows on your bed

Sorry I said you looked like black Garfield in your Catwoman costume.

Cats act so cool all year long & then Christmas comes and they eat tinsel.

Favorite Doubles: 1. Scotch 2. Cheeseburgers 3. Bourbon 4. Entendres 5. Dipping

"I wanna know who is responsible for this!" nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

Do you think you'd make a good sniper? [ ] Yes [ ] No

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

"Is there really a fire? Prove it." -Mrs. Doubtfire

"What is that, a banana? Aw, who gives a shit." -Disinterested George

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter. Everyone else: Lol, no.

Never tell a psycho that they're psycho, because then they feel like they're obligated to prove it.

Walk up in the club like "THIS IS MY JAM" handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

I love how you changed "Conclusions" to "Learnings" in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?