#one-liner

If you're offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

I had no idea she was allergic to rat poison your honor

Can we stop calling it 'Breaking news' and start calling it 'bloody hell what now'

I remember when "Something's eating up data." meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

Nice weather guys, lets have the internet outside today...

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

The surprise in the Cracker Jacks box is Diabetes.

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : "He said, stupidly."

Someone at work asked if I'd listened to any good books lately, and now I've got a body to dispose of. :(

The first time I run out of windshield wiper fluid is the last time I have windshield wiper fluid.

"911? Help, my son has gone missing" [baby lowers hands from eyes] "Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere"

You don't see faith healers in hospitals for the same reason you don't see psychics winning the lottery.

Movie Idea: Michael Cera falls down a spiral staircase then pets a cat.

I take the "L" and "R" on my headphones way too seriously

We've all been talking about your paranoia.

I just hope I love my child enough to stab a referee that made a bad call against him in a little league game.

No I don't have anything smaller than a twenty. You should. You're the one who's running a store.

"Can you validate my parking?" "You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud." *wipes away tears* "Thanks."

Girl, are you E=mc 2? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

Well, Palm Sunday was a lot more fun than 'closed-fist Monday'

You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfish I am "THE GOD OF FLAKES."

People ask me the secret of a good tweet. It's called "proof-reading". Perhaps you've hard of it

I want to write a tweet that is so offensive that it reduces my followers to zero.

[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets] "Gemini's go to sleep when they are tired" HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO ME