#one-liner

Somebody called me a racist today! I mean I think they did, it's so hard to hear through these white hoods.

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport* TSA agent: I've never seen this low of a reading

Finally threw out some old bananas because once they go black you never go back.

[every 3 hours] You know what screw it jm going to treat myself

When in Texas... *heads into the desert* *hugs cactus* *shoots said cactus* *rides off into the sunset on horseback*

*walks in on home intruder "omg please don't look at the dust!"

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

I'm beginning to question your proclamation of your "spiritual gifts". You are about as intuitive as my autocorrect.

says if you don't like what you see in the mirror, run the hot water until it fogs up. Problem solved.

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

*goes to get phone out of car *sees car has been stolen *finds phone in back pocket OH THANK GOD

Apparently the owners of Aldi and Lidl were really brothers. Presumably Aldi was the alder one and Lidl the Lidl one.

Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.

[first day of work as a 911 operator] "Hello, 911" Hi someone's trying to break into my house "holy shit call 911"

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

"You can't teach a dog new tricks." - bad dog trainer

Who decided to call them "children", and not 'snot machines'.

My fan has two settings: - Barely moving. - Could propel a hovercraft across the Everglades.

"Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?" "No." "Why not, sir?" "Because, it would make my rabbi sad."

If I was moments away from my death I would ask someone for a 5-hour Energy drink.

Stephen is a much nicer name than "hen from a previous marriage."

One day, someone will call me sir without adding "I think we're going to have to ask you to leave."

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they're DEAD. Plants are ALIVE, vegans. You disgust me.

I'd imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.

Amber Alert, but for the TV remote