#one-liner

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I'm trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

Does anyone know of any rappers who are proud of their hometowns?

Could have sworn my poo just shouted a vile obscenity at me on the way out. Irritable bowel syndrome.

I'm pretty big on body art *pulls up sleeve to reveal tattoo of a hoof with "Hoof-arted" written underneath*

In my experience, all edible underwear just ends up being crotchless.

Sometimes I find it hard to express myself because FedEx hears me breathing.

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

My boys are gamers and I'm single It's like a race to see who can use the most batteries

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

Why do hot dogs come in packs of 8 but my dad left us when I was 6?

Grammar is: 1. How we structure our sentences. 2. Grandpa's wife. Some of you will pick number two.

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the 'close' button

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I'd put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

My step-dad's pretty cool. Not as cool as my fence-dad, though. Roof-dad is okay. What is a father?

Some days when I think back on music from the late 90's I often get a little blue da ba dee da ba die..

This October has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays all in one month. It happens only once in 823 years. waw.

Your volume level is at a flamboyantly gay band geek and I need you to turn it down to a shy Asian transfer student.

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well... except when it rains.

According to my Nike fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

Every girl loves when a boy whispers those three special words in her ear. "Let's go fishin'." Merica.

I waited for so long at the doctor's office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

Judging by this line at Costco it doesn't look like I'll ever see my family again. Sweet.