#one-liner

How To Get Rich: 1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson. 2. Empty it the next day. 3. Become a millionaire.

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We've decided on the perfect name for our baby

My Website Hacking 101 class is going okay. I just learned how to bypass the Birth Date Security on beer websites.

I'm not getting the earth anything for Earth Day since it's not going to be around much longer anyway.

Me: *pooping with the door open* Olive Garden Mgr: "I know what the slogan says ma'am, we aren't THAT kind of family."

Relationship status: I'm seeing several women in my neighbourhood. *wipes binoculars*

I never touch baby carrots because I'm afraid the mother will reject them.

"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - a dog

Hey waiters-I don't ever 'save room for dessert', I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don't have an accident.

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back me: that doesn't sound like her, she never kept a knife there

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching my license plate before I ran down all the people I hate

[Updates Christian Mingle bio] "Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first" "You have 999 new matches"

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name But Imma call you "Hal" for short, 'k, Chief?

i made the starbucks guy say large instead of venti I HAVE ALREADY CONQUERED WEDNESDAY WHAT NOW

I flipped off a latino guy who cut me off in traffic and now I'm polling at 8% in the Republican primary.

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

How To Tell If Your Girlfriend Is Secretly A Minivan

I think I need to take a break. -me, as soon as I get to work.

Operator: 911, what's your emergency? Me: YES HELLO DO BEES SLEEP AT NIGHT?

If I walk you home and kiss you goodnight, a simple thank you will suffice. None of this calling the cops crap.

I dunno but if I was a "doctor to the stars" I sure wouldn't be bragging about it these days

Yes, you take my breath away... But so does a brisk walk, or the sight of an ugly baby. Don't be so flattered.

Never pee with the door open, it totally freaks out the other motorists.

Lactose intolerance stems from lactose IGNORANCE

I like that I'm not a celebrity. It means I can call people 'retards' and I don't have to apologize.